apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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