I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
