I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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