Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
