I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
