my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
