Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
