Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
BRING THE BAGELS
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
