It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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