How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
