that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
