I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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