I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
