this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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