He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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