Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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