I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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