she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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