if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
