I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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