there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
