my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
