I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
