I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
