You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
