please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize