Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
