thus making me awesome and them whores
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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