How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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