I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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