You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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