You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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