You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
