Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
