Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
