You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
