sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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