If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
