she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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