I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
