a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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