I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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