Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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