Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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