someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
