we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
