Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
