if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
