bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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