he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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