U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
