Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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