This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
