It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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