So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
