Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
