You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
