Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
