I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
